I'm on retreat today. After a week of emotional highs and lows (actually, mostly lows), I'm using today as a time to regroup and rejuvenate. Life in general has become much too hectic for me, and my own in particular is certainly no exception. While I'm aware that I brought much of this craziness on myself - by working two jobs, remaining in two church musical groups, having two homes, and two dogs to maintain (not to mention, two elderly mothers) - I feel like I'm living the life of two people in the time frame given to one.
I've had two light bulb moments in the past two weeks. The first is, that in spite of the recurrence of the number two in my life's responsibilities, I am basically one when it comes to the fulfillment of them, physically and emotionally. For the past several years, my husband has suffered from a combination of physical problems that result in chronic pain and fatigue. His job consumes all of his available energy, and I have to accept that (at least for the present time) he has very little leftover to give to the rest of life's demands. If I can't handle it all on my own, I have to cut back in areas where I can, so that life is manageable for me.
My second flash of insight was that, during this period of time, I've completely lost touch with my spirituality. In the crazy busyness of my days, I've let my morning practice of meditation/prayer slip away. I have faith in the benefits of connection with a higher power, and perhaps its the loss of this connection that has led to a sense that my life is out of control. I also realized that my current church affiliation is no longer meeting my spiritual needs, a painful realization for lots of reasons, but one I must face and remedy in order to re-connect with this aspect of my life.
I awoke early this morning, to a grey, chilly sky, with black clouds racing across the horizon. Wrapped in my warmest fleecy jammies, I spent some time in quiet reflection, concentrating on my breathing, remembering to breathe in serenity and breathe out anxiety. With the simple act of opening my hands, which I realized are often closed into tight fists, I felt a similar opening in my heart, parting the darkness left by worry and obligation, creating space for the positive energy to flow.
My eyes opened to this view from my front window ~
Two black clouds divided by the morning sun to reveal bright blue sky and morning light.
During the time I've been writing, the sun has made a full-fledged, brilliant appearance. I started out my retreat day feeling almost as if I were in retreat - from living life in any sort of positive, productive way. But now, I'll continue on my retreat by heading out with the dogs for a long walk in the park, feeling refreshed and armed with new resolve.