Definition of Success

One of the defining factors in my ability to get Life In General finished and published was an online course I took during the summer, and I have to credit my friend Deb Smouse with pointing me in the direction of this class. The Conscious Booksmith, created by Christine Mason Miller, was a unique blend of practical exercise and inspiration, a tapestry of videos, worksheets, art projects, and interviews. 

One of the early lessons talked about defining success, and we were encouraged to think about what we would consider success for our particular book project. For some of us that might be a publication deal with a major house, a spot on the best seller list, and a bidding war over movie rights. For others, simply holding a bound copy of their book would be enough.

The takeaway from this lesson was pivotal for me. I fell between these two extremes, knowing from the beginning that I would be self-publishing and having no grandiose expectations for commercial success. I really did just want to hold a bound copy of this book in my hand. But I also wanted to offer it to my friends and family as a gift, a way of saying “Here is something I made, and it carries my heart inside it.”

I watched that lesson video several times, and it felt good to have that part of the equation settled. It seemed to give me the necessary impetus to continue moving forward, now that I had a clear idea what I wanted to gain from the project.

 By my own standards, then, Life In General has been a far bigger “success” than I imagined. Where I had only intended to give away 25 or 30 copies, thinking I might sell a dozen or so more, I have already gifted the books I intended and sold almost 100 copies besides. The books are traveling throughout my neighborhood (a neighbor bought 10 yesterday to give as gifts to other neighbors) and the world (the first copy sold on Amazon was shipped to Australia). 

I realize this is a minuscule achievement in today’s world, where everything seems to be big and loud and in your face. But for me, it feels like the fulfillment of a huge dream.

Defining my own terms for success with this project leads me to believe in the value of a similar exercise for life in general. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t Dream Big - it just means I think you’ll be happier if you Dream Real. We are all destined for greatness, but in varying degrees. Maybe you’ll be the founder of a major philanthropic organization. Maybe you’ll pass out blankets and sandwiches to homeless people in your city. Maybe you’ll discover a cure for cancer. Maybe you’ll take your dog to visit hospice patients. 

All of these are worthy achievements. Depending on the way you define success for yourself, they could each be considered greatness.

We are continually bombarded with the world’s idea of success. From the time we start preschool, our parents and teachers have us on a fast track to college. All through college, we’re urged to narrow our focus, hone in on what type of job we want to have, start networking, researching companies that pay the most, have the best benefits. As we start thinking about a New Year ahead, perhaps we should step back and think about what success would mean to us personally - not what the world thinks it should be, but what deep in our heart of hearts would make us feel as if we’d done what we set out to do in life and in our relationships. The lesson on success in the Conscious Booksmith allowed me to do just that - to realize that my expectations were valid, that even though they weren’t grandiose, they were just fine they way they were. 

If we begin to measure ourselves with our own personal yardsticks, I have a feeling we’re all a lot more successful than we ever imagined. 

Lasting Connections

One of the first online connections I made in my writing journey was with writer and teacher Andi Cumbo Floyd. I think we first “met” through Write On Wendesday, which was a weekly writing blog I hosted. Andi’s writing was obviously of professional quality, and I was so honored that she shared her thoughts and her work in my little gathering space of wanna-be writers.

In the half-dozen years since, Andi has continued to inspire me as writer and as a person. She has followed every one of her dreams and made them come true. She left the academic life and started her own business; she wrote and published a beautiful book; she is living on a farm and creating an artists retreat space there. Oh, lest I forget, in the midst of all this, she found the man of her dreams and got married!

I’ve been sitting back watching all this sort of like a proud mother. I am continually amazed by all the things she has made happen in her life. So I couldn’t be more honored to be featured on her Writers Write Interview Series this morning. 

I hope you’ll check out my interview. While you’re there, meander around Andi’s blog. She’s a great connection to have.

Another One Done

My husband and I don’t always see things from the same vantage point, but this morning we were in total agreement: neither one of us could remember a Christmas when we had less holiday spirit than we did this year.

“What do you suppose was the reason?” I wondered, as we prepared to take the dogs for their morning walk.

“I think it’s because we didn’t do anything to get into the spirit,” he answered. “I would have liked to go to Greenfield Village, wander through the Village, have hot chocolate, or sit by a fireplace in one of the old houses. Or maybe drive around and look at Christmas lights somewhere. We didn’t even get to have our annual shopping day."

I think he’s on to something. Although there were plenty of pre-holiday festivities, none of them were of the kind that get us into the winter holiday frame of mind. That kind of laid-back, warm and cozy feeling you get from being relaxed, enjoying the sights and sounds of the season at your own pace. We did everything separately, too - his choir, my groups, all performing in different places and times. 

Of course it didn’t help that my schedule was far busier than it should have been, and that once all my commitments were over I promptly fell sick with an upper respiratory infection, bad enough that my poor mother wouldn’t even come near me for fear of catching it (a fear I completely understand, because respiratory infections are pretty scary when you’re a frail 88 year old.) But it meant we spent Christmas in our separate houses, even though one of the reasons we don’t travel is so she won’t be alone for the holiday. 

So not much Christmas sprit here today. In fact, at the risk of sounding like a complete Scrooge, I’m glad it’s over. I want my television shows back  - The Good Wife! Nashville! Parenthood! I want some free days again - no more concerts or long rehearsals. I want the traffic to die down. I want to be able to get into a store without a battering ram.

I want everything to go back to normal. 

I know. Scrooge. Grinch. All of the above.

I wish I were a Christmas person. I wish I were a holiday person. But holidays are hard for me. I feel pressured to be happy, to create some picturesque vision, to meet expectations, when really I just want to be left alone. And then I feel guilty because that’s what I really want. I always come out feeling less in some way. Less social. Less crafty. Less worthy. Less happy.

This year seemed worse than most in all those departments.

What was missing was a sense of connection with the season, the kind you get from rituals and practices you enjoy and find meaningful. I think Jim was right - we didn’t do some of the things we’ve done in the past, some of the quiet activities we enjoy as a couple that mark the holiday as special. We were so busy running around that we lost our connection with each other. (Well, mostly I was so busy.) And since we haven’t been attending church, we didn’t have those kinds of rituals to inspire the holiday feeling either.

So some lessons learned, some food for thought for Christmas 2015. Since it’s basically only the two of us for the Christmas season, it’s up to us to make it special by leaving time to be together, for creating and enjoying our own simple holiday traditions rather than tearing off in a dozen different directions all month. 

But for now, I’m glad it’s done. I’m ready to move on, clear the decks, and get 2015 underway. I’m excited to see what the new year will bring.

Merry Christmas to all.

And to all, A Good Night.

Taking It Easy Ain’t So Easy After All

Yesterday I was determined. I was going to rest, relax, loll around in my comfy clothes (read yoga pants, a soft gray t-shirt, and my favorite blue plaid flannel shirt over top). I planned to sink into the pages of my novel (The Good Husband, by Gail Godwin, an old favorite I plucked out of bin at a recent book giveaway) and drink endless cups of hot Yorkshire Gold tea. 

It took some convincing to get myself into this relaxed frame of mind in the first place. It’s been go-go-go around here for the entire month of December.  A busy concert schedule was made even busier with the runaway success of Life In General. But my final concert was over on Saturday night, and I was up to date with book orders. Then I awoke on Sunday morning with the trademark symptoms of a sinus-bronchial infection, and so the mandate was clear.

Prescription: Rest.

But it was so hard. While Jim happily lounged in front of the fireplace with British TV shows on the iPad, I stood by the door wall, staring out into the backyard. I really should walk the dogs, I thought. It’s such a nice morning. And there are those Christmas cards I’ve not even created yet, much less gotten ready to mail. I remembered that our traditional photo calendar of Magic and Molly was languishing half done in the Shutterfly website. I could just run upstairs and finish that off. While I was upstairs, I could toss a load of clothes in the washing machine. I knew our supply of clean socks was running low. 

“Why aren’t you resting?” my husband asked me pointedly. “Didn’t you tell me you were going to take it easy today?"

“I am resting,” I replied. 

“Standing in a cold draft by the door wall is not resting,” he informed me. “Go put your feet up, and I’ll make you some tea."

I plodded into the den, and settled on the leather recliner couch. It occurred to me that my lavender scented heating pad might be nice. I jumped up and went into the kitchen to warm it in the microwave. 

“What are you doing out of that chair?” Jim asked, stirring sugar into the mug of tea he was preparing for me.

“I wanted the heating pad,” I explained. 

“I think I could have gotten that for you if you had only asked,” he reminded me.

Precisely three minutes later, tea and heating pad perfectly steeped, I found myself back in the den, feet up as prescribed, book in hand, all set and ready to relax. 

And I did relax. For about 30 minutes. Then I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and went upstairs to my desk where I finished up the photo calendar.

“Whew, scratch that off the list at least,” I said to myself, breathing a little more easier.

I realized yesterday that rest and relaxation mean different things to different people. Sitting around for hours reading or watching movies might sound like a dream come true, but I  think it makes me more anxious than if I were to get up and do something productive. I make noises about wanting to have more time to read, or meditate, or listen to music. But during the day I’d rather be doing something.

Being busy can be restful...at least for some of us.

By the end of the day, I really had spent a much larger amount of time being quiet than I usually do. I was nearly done with the novel, and had even watched about 15 minutes of The Muppets Christmas Carol (trust me, that’s a lot of daytime TV for me.) Still, when Jim offered to pick up dinner from one of the many restaurants close by so I wouldn’t have to bother with cooking - I was happy to relinquish that activity. 

Some things are easier to take a rest from than others.

It’s Only Me

“There are so many places in your book where I feel so relieved,” a reader tells me, “because you write about experiencing things I’ve felt or situations I’ve gone through and thought it was only me!"

I smiled a big smile, because I am all too familiar with the “It’s Only Me” syndrome. I’ve often wondered if it’s because I’m an only child - I don’t always have a good point of reference for emotions or reactions, and often feel as if I’m out on a limb by myself when trying to cope with emotional entanglements or life's dilemmas. When I was growing up in my tiny triangular family, it was always "only me." With no siblings to share in life’s experiences, I had no model for how to react to situations that arose. I felt the need to stand strong, to hold up my side of the triangle and if I was upset about something, well, that was probably because I was overly sensitive.

Feeling the kinship of other like minded individuals is a huge part of the connection process I’m eagerly embracing since Life In General was published. It’s the type of comment I most often hear from the people who are reading it. “Your words really strike a chord with me,” said a musical friend. "When I read your Introduction, I was right there with you,” said another.

That’s all music to my ears. 

The point is, it doesn’t have to be "only you." You don’t have to be alone if you find ways to connect yourself to the wider world. The details of our lives may be different, but underneath it all we share a world of common desire and need. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded of that, and I’m thrilled if my book is doing that for the people reading it.

Sharing my stories in Life In General sets me squarely among you in the wider world. Sometimes it’s a little scary. After all, I’ve opened my life and my heart and spilled them on the pages of a book. 

But when I start to feel afraid that perhaps I’ve shared too much, given more of myself away than I should, I remember there is safety in numbers, there is strength in community, and comfort in connection.

It’s not only me any longer. It’s you and me together, sharing this Life In General.

If you’d like to purchase Life In General and see how our stories connect, go here. 

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