The Click

She'd been working so hard all year, why shouldn't it have arrived around then: that "click" when it feels as if a previously locked door has opened and words and sentences suddenly seem to exist in a new dimension located somewhere between your brain and the screen or page, leading you through an infinite house whose rooms have strange geometric shapes you've never seen before, yet you always somehow know where you are.  ~ from Say Her Name, by Francisco Goldman

If you write, or engage in any form of creative expression, you'll understand what Goldman is talking about when he describes that moment  when it seems as if everything is coming together perfectly as it should - language and idea coalesce and your fingers move across the keyboard like the planchette on a Ouija board, guided by an unseen spirit.

Getting to that point is the tricky part.  It doesn't come quickly or easily, and it usually takes a lot of slogging through mud before you reach that magic spot where everything begins to "click."  The path is different for every artist, and each one of us has to suss out what it takes to get there. One thing I do know - it can't happen unless you write - or paint, or make music, or dance, or whatever medium your artistic persona prefers.

It's Wednesday - so what are you waiting for?

Write about a time when you felt that "click" - either in your writing, or in some other medium of artistic expression.

The Beauty of Boys

"If I have a monument in this world it is my son." ~Maya Angelou

When I was pregnant, I was secretly hoping for a daughter. I was young immature enough at the time to be focused primarily on the superficial aspects of parenthood - think frilly dresses, doll houses, and hair ribbons.  I wasn't disappointed when my son was born - who could be disappointed with such a  healthy, handsome, and intelligent child? But I was a little worried about whether I'd know what to do with a boy child, having never had any experience with boys.  Over the years I've realized that I was probably more suited to raising a boy than a girl.  I'm not terribly interested in a lot of girly stuff - I've never cared for baby dolls, I'm not good at fixing hair in fancy styles, and I don't appreciate diva-esqe behavior. I'm perfectly happy playing with Matchbox cars, or Brio train sets. Luckily, my son was interested in books and drawing and creative pursuits - had he been the kind to bring home frogs and snakes, my opinion might be quite different!

When we learned we were going to be grandparents, there might have been a tiny whispering voice once again cheering for pink over blue. But today, when we found out that our little Grandbaby- to- be is a boy, I couldn't have been happier.  I enjoyed my son through every stage of his life, and I'm so excited to see what his son will be like.

My mother has felt all along that Brian and Nantana's baby would be a boy.  "Every time I think about the baby, I think of it as a little boy," she's said.  "It would be nice for Brian to have a boy, to carry on the family name."

It's true - my son is really the very last one of the males in our little family, at least males who carry our surname. My father-in-law had one brother, who was childless. His sister had three boys, but they aren't "Rowans" - not on paper, anyway.  Although more and more women are choosing to keep their family name after marriage, it's possible that without a male child, our little branch of the family name could have been eradicated completely.

So, as my husband said earlier when he heard the news, "The Rowan's will live on!" I know my father-in-law would be happy to know that.  I've never forgotten the comment he made when we told him we were expecting. "I never thought I'd live to see this day," he said. Because he was in his mid-fifties when Jim was born, he probably did wonder if he would live long enough to see grandchildren. I realize now that as you get older, you start to consider what you'll leave behind, what your legacy will be when you're gone.

Today I feel especially blessed in terms of my legacy. As the poet Maya Angelou says, "If I have a monument in this world, it is my son."

I couldn't ask for a better one.  And I'm sure my Grandson's mother and father will feel the same way about him.

Hell Yes, It's Hot

One of my Facebook friends posted this sign yesterday: Yes indeed, it is Hot - here, there, and everywhere.

I tend to take a rather fatalistic approach to the weather.  What happens, happens. It's cold and snowy in the winter, it's hot and dry in the summer. I can do this because, thankfully, weather has never had a huge impact on my life, unlike some folks who have been devastated by weather related occurrences.  I've been inconvenienced by weather many times, but nothing to lose sleep over.

However, there are weather worriers in my family, and my mother is one of them. She comes by it naturally, because my grandmother was the biggest weather worry wart of all time. Just let the sky darken of a summer afternoon and she'd be outside in a flash, whipping the clothes off the line with vicious jerks, not bothering to fold them neatly as usual, just heaping them unceremoniously into her oval shaped wicker basket.  She'd scoot all her potted plants to safety under the porch awning, huddling them together in a protective little clump so that the winding stems of the petunias became entangled with the fluffy geraniums, hugging one another for dear life.

Finally she'd come looking for me, and if I happened to be off somewhere in the neighborhood riding my bike instead of lying in my lounge chair reading a book, I would hear standing on the front porch, calling my name.  "Reee-beccc-aaa!" she'd call, elongating each syllable so the word carried down the street. "Beccc-aaa!" I'd glance upward, see the smudgy black clouds rolling across the blue sky, and know I'd better head for home before she got too worried.

My son carried on my grandmother's tradition of worrying about summer storms. One summer afternoon when he was about eight years old, I heard him clattering around in the basement. When I went down to see what he was up to, I found him clearing out a collection of stuff stored underneath the pool table. "There's a tornado watch today," he explained nervously, "and they said you should go in the basement and get underneath something. I'm trying to make a spot we can hide." I tried not to smile, picturing us all huddled underneath the table like my grandmother's potted plants, holding onto each other for dear life.

Winter or summer, my mother's anxiety about weather is focused on electricity -  she is mortally afraid of losing electrical power, which often happens here in the midwest. In the winter, ice builds up on the electric wires, weighing them down until they succumb to the load. In summer thunder storms, wind will whip them to the ground and they lie in their death throes, sparking and flopping like slippery eels.

In recent years we've been having numerous power outages during the summer whenever the temperatures are higher than normal. Our neighborhood is old, and the power grids aren't capable of handling the modern day load of air conditioners, computers, big screen televisions, et al.  As luck would have it, both my mother's house and my house are on the same grid, so when one of us is down, we're both down.

Like the rest of the country, we've been blasted with unprecedented heat all week long. "You just know that power can't hold up under this heat," she would say each time we talked. "What will we do if the power goes out?" she'd continue, her anxiety clearly audible in her voice.

I'm not quite sure what fuels this worry about power outages - if it's the thought of discomfort from the heat/cold, the loss of electricity to run her appliances (although her stove is gas so she can still cook most things she might want), or the lack of control over her environment. Whatever the reason, it's a panic type reaction that closely resembles my grandmother's frantic efforts to protect things from a storm.

Wednesday night, after three days of record breaking temperatures, our electrical power conked out, finally fulfilling my mother's daily predictions. We managed to get through the night, largely because it's never a complete blackout of power, just a "brownout," leaving us a enough current to run dim lights and ceiling fans. Nevertheless, the power company wasn't forecasting a return to full power until at least 11:30 p.m. on Thursday night. And with temperatures expected to reach over 100 degrees on Thursday,  I knew we'd have to take drastic measures.

At 8 a.m. yesterday, I called our local Residence Inn, because I knew they allowed pets. "We have one room left," the desk clerk told me.  I explained that we were in need of respite from the heat for an elderly person and two small dogs, and she couldn't have been more accommodating.

So we decamped to the Residence Inn yesterday, where the room was lovely, clean, and very cool. We brought in lunch from Panera and dinner from Red Robin. We watched TV, I fussed around on the internet with my iPad, the dogs napped contentedly. When a neighbor called to tell me the power was back on, Jim drove home to turn on the air conditioners and start cooling down the house (the room temperature in our living room was 92 degrees).  We stayed at the hotel until about 8:30 last night, and then came home. The houses were still warm, but not uncomfortably so, and we were all grateful to be home.

An extreme measure, perhaps, but sometimes we have to go to great lengths to protect the people we care about from the things that make them afraid, even if we're not sure where the fear comes from.

How about you? Have you ever taken extreme measures to protect someone you love from their fear?

Turn, Turn, Turn

Having been officially "not working" for almost two months, I spent a few moments taking stock of the experience so far. And a few moments was all it took for me to decide that I love it. Lest you think I'd idling around here eating bon bons and watching daytime television, let me disabuse you. In addition to the reading and writing I've done in conjunction with the Creative Nonfiction course plus accompanying for the musical theater day camp, I've been walking 3-5 miles every day, cleaning out at least one drawer or closet per day, and continuing to work on "special projects" at my office.

But what I love so much is the freedom to do this in my own time.  I love not being pressured by looming deadlines. Most especially I love not shuffling papers.

I obviously had no idea that my job had become absolutely toxic.  I mean no offense to my employer or the people I worked with, who are all extremely lovely people. Even the job itself was perfect for me -once. But I clearly had reached a point where it was time to move on, although I pretended not to know that for the longest time. If I had the least bit of doubt about it I don't any longer. I literally feel about 100 pounds lighter. I wake up in the morning with a heady sense of expectation and contentment, rather than a ponderous sense of dread. At the end of the day, I'm pleasantly tired, not exhausted and irritable. And never once on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday morning have I felt odd because I wasn't going into the office.

"To everything there is a season, a time and purpose under heaven..." Whether these words are familiar to you as a quote from Ecclesiastes or the lyrics to an old song by The Byrds, they are certain and true. It was time for me to leave that season of my life behind. Although I hung on like the last wrinkled and withered leaf on a tree in late November, I finally gathered the courage to let go and fall.

How about you? What are you holding onto that you need to let go?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHvf20Y6eoM]

Community of Faith

When you attend a funeral for an elderly person, you don't expect the funeral home to be standing-room-only full. But that was exactly the case for the service I attended last Friday.  The deceased, an 87 year old lady, had three children and six grandchildren.  Although the throngs of people who gathered in remembrance clearly considered themselves "family", they were not family members in the biological sense - instead, they were all members of her church family, or what I like to call her community of faith. Seeing the outpouring of love and affection this woman's congregational family demonstrated for her was like an electric jolt to my spirit.  Over the past couple of years, I've found myself pulling away from my own church, for reasons I can't quite explain.  Whatever the reason, I've become lackadaisical about church attendance and participation. I was extremely impressed by the overwhelming show of support for this lady and her family, and the experience incited some deep thinking about what church membership means for life in general and my own in particular.

I believe being a church member should give you the opportunity to be part of something larger than yourself, and should offer you the ability to give of yourself to others. My church offers many ways to fulfill this mandate, from mission trips to Bible studies to collecting food for the needy.  In my personal church experience, participating in the various music programs within the church has been a way to offer up my talent, be an integral participant in the worship experience, and feel as if I'm making a contribution to the rest of the congregation.  As I've reflected on the reasons why I've been withdrawing from church, I wonder if being a church musician is no longer enough to help me fulfill my personal mission, if there might be another place I'm being called toward service within the church community, or in the wider world.

Another  major part of the worship experience is what we take from the sermon each week. For me, a sermon needs to ground my faith in the real world, needs to explain to me what it means to be a Christian in the 21st century and how faith can guide me through life.  Call me demanding, but I expect sermons to be concise, well structured, to the point, and delivered with confidence and style.  Our senior pastor, who retired two years ago, was a master at all of the above, and I don't think I've ever reconciled myself to his absence.

And then there's that all  important community of faith.  The lady whose funeral I attended had been a member of the same church for over 50 years, nearly the entirety of her adult life. The connections  she made were strong and everlasting, bound by births and marriages and deaths, cemented with Christmas pageants, Easter vigils, and Vacation Bible School. I've seen it time and again in church circles, the strong friendships that develop among entire families where the children grow up together and then have children of their own who grow up together in turn. It's a bond that lasts over time and distance, because it's rooted in more than the tangential acquaintance of work colleagues or club members - it's rooted in a 2000 year old tradition of faith and fellowship.

I want that community of faith for myself. Growing up, my family's involvement with church was sporadic at best. My aunt often took me to church with her, but I was such a shy little girl that I sometimes felt pressured and overwhelmed by everything I didn't know. Neither of my parents were fond of church going, although for a period of time we all attended a local Baptist church where my mother and father sang in the choir. But it always seemed strange and foreign to me, and I felt like an outsider, although I remember wanting desperately to fit in. In some ways, I've always felt that way about church - always feel as if I'm standing on the fringe and never quite belonging. It's that feeling which eventually wins out and keeps me in bed on Sunday mornings instead of in the pews.

Still, I know that my church family is right where I left it, and like most loving families will undoubtedly welcome me home with open arms.  After all, that's what a community and faith are all about. Although my relationship with church may not be everything I hoped for, the reward for being part of a community of faith is worth the effort.