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Write On Wednesday: Nervous Wreck

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When I can't sleep, I worry.  About work done and undone,  roads not taken, futures unknown.  When I can't sleep, thoughts churn in my mind, roiling and boiling in my brain until I jump out of bed, a complete nervous wreck. Thankfully, sleep doesn't elude me that often anymore. I fall asleep fairly easily, and mostly sleep through the night unless a hot flash or lonely puppy disturbs me.   But the past two nights, troubled by respiratory congestion and fever, I've been thrashing around amongst the covers, unable to rest in body or spirit.

Nervousness runs in our family, I'm told.  My mother has memories of her grandfather suddenly rising from the table in the midst of Sunday dinner and bolting out the door, probably driven away from his meal by the cacophony of seven adult children, their spouses, and innumerable amounts of grandchildren.  "He was an awfully nervous man," she says, and remembers him pacing outside the house, up and down the dirt road running along beside it.

That urge to bolt comes naturally then, the one I feel when all the worries and anxieties overwhelm me, when I have to sit on my hands to keep from throwing wide the door and running for dear life.  Whenever I see movies of a runaway horse, I know exactly the feeling - that wild-eyed look which comes with the desperate need to escape.

There's usually no escaping real life, no matter how nervous one gets.   So I  get in my car if the weather is fine and roll down all the windows, drive as fast as I (safely) can, until the rushing wind sweeps the anxiety out of my mind.  On cold and dreary days, I might put on music (Jason Robert Brown, Bon Jovi) and turn it up loud, close my eyes and spin in crazy circles around the room. 

These are only diversions, they solve nothing, yet somehow they soothe a troubled soul and put the wrecked endings of my nerves back together.

How about you?  What makes you nervous?  How do you handle those time when you feel a nervous wreck?

for Write On Wednesday

Home Alone

I had an unexpected day at home, brought to me by a wretched infection that invaded my upper respiratory system late Sunday night.  Thankfully, this unwelcome guest waited until all our other company had left, and the flurry of activity was over.  Then, it moved right in and set up shop in my throat and nasal passages.  But enough of those gory details. Because of this nasty bug, I got to stay home from work today, too miserable to even worry about all the tasks that I'd left undone at the end of my rather unproductive day yesterday.  I spent the morning curled up in a chair with hot drinks, a heating pad, and a book.  By afternoon, I was feeling a little better -well enough at any rate to notice that I was home all alone.

That's right - no husband (at a seminar), no dogs (at Grandma's) - just me, in my house, like it used to be oh so long ago.

Wow, was that wonderful. 

So I got up, gingerly so as not to set my poor stuffed up head spinning too badly, and walked from room to room.  It was so quiet, and serene, the sun just starting to break through the clouds and illuminate the March sky.  I made some lunch and sat at the kitchen table, listening to the birds preparing for nest building in the elm tree outside.

I realized today, after the busy hectic weekend, and yesterday's bombardment of tasks at work, just how much I needed some time just to be.  I felt content for the first time in a long while - relaxed, and happy.   I started thinking again about how convoluted my life has become in the last several months, how my work life has changed so much and is so unsatisfying, how I feel this tiny nudge in my soul telling me to move on, to honor the part of my heart that's yearning to express itself in music or words, to escape from the humdrum everyday and do something that feels right.

For a long time now I've been trying to decide which direction to take this life of mine.  Although my day home alone didn't bring me any definite answers, it made me aware that some move forward is needed.  

How about you?  Do you like being home alone?  And how do you know when it's time to make a change in your life?

Nervous Wreck

Kombolói, Greek Worry Beads

I used to be the quintessential nervous nellie, always worried about something or other.  When I was small, I developed a nervous habit of twirling my long wavy hair round and round my fingers, getting it all twisted and knotted up in the process.   My dad threatened to get me a string of worry beads ~ perhaps he should have done so! 

As I've grown older, my nervous nature has calmed somewhat.  I can still work myself up into a fair lather about some things...like work, and family troubles, and the state of the economy.  How about you?  What makes you nervous?  How do you handle your nerves?  What do you do when you're a

Nervous Wreck

Family Time

In one of life's usual chaotic convergences, several major events collided on this weekend's calendar.  The four performances of South Pacific happened to coincide with a major family occasion (baby shower for my cousin Rachel) and my husband's spring choir tour to Ohio/Indiana.   But it's all good... this morning we had three generations of cousins in my mom's living room (four, actually, if you count the wee one in Rachel's belly!)  There was much food, laughter, and good times shared in the past couple of days.

My cousins are important to me, although I hardly ever see any of them.  As an only child who is the daughter of an only child, my maternal cousins are all of the second, third, and once-removed variety.  But that doesn't matter, because whenever we do get to spend time together, we're amazed at the similarities that crop up.  My cousin Bonnie shares my interest in geneology, and we always talk about taking a geneology trip together, roaming the hills of Kentucky in search of information about our ancestors.  This weekend I learned that my cousin Grace shares my love of writing, and harbors the same fantasies about the writing life that I do.  As Crawford women, we all share certain characteristics - we love good food, we're extremely close to our families, and we can be a bit obsessive about certain things.  

My mom is now the eldest of the women in this family.  My aunt's death in September marked the end of the seven sisters who spawned a generation of more than 35 children, including the five you see in this picture.  They're scattered all over the United States, as is common these days.  So it's a rare occasion indeed when even a few of us can gather in one place for a little while.  And I think the older we get, the more we cherish these times together, knowing how few and far between they are, and how fleeting is our time on this earth. 

 We rallied at my mother's house this weekend, and she took care of us in grand southern style - turkey and stuffing casserole,  honey baked ham, homemade cheesecake and carrot cake, hot cinnamon rolls and fried bacon for breakfast, plenty of good strong coffee and cold crisp iced tea.  When four more people were invited for breakfast this morning, she got up at 7 and pulled together hash browns and eggs for 10.  Amazing...if only I can do half as well when I'm 83.

Spending some quality time with these good women was a treat.  We're all excited about Rachel's new baby, and while we don't know whether it's a boy or a girl,  we do know that it comes from some pretty strong stock.  It was good for me to be reminded of these roots of mine, and to see them stretching out into the future. 

That's what family is all about.