Write On Wednesday

This week Write On Wendesday asks (read the entire prompt here): Are you ever assailed with self doubt about your writing ability, or about the reasons for writing at all?  Do you “follow yourself around nagging and suggesting and complaining”? What are some of the negative things your Editor tells you?  What could your Editor say to be more encouraging?   How do you encourage yourself to keep practicing the craft of writing?

If you've been reading this blog of mine for long, you'll know I'm always feeling behind the eight ball with regard to time - having enough of it to go 'round and complete all the things on my "to do" list.  Work responsibilities, music rehearsals and performances, elder care...fitting in time with husband, friends...getting the household chores done...ad infinitum.

So why am I spending so much time writing?  Or thinking about writing? Or doing research for writing?  Or writing about writing?  nags the complaining voice that dogs my steps.  Look at all the time you're wasting.  It's not as if you were getting paid for it!

Ah ha!  There's the most persistent of the nagging thoughts, especially these days when money is at such a premium in my house.  How can I justify spending so much time in an activity that provides no monetary recompense?  Huh?  How can I?

As much as my Puritan forefathers would deny it, I believe in the value of activites which are self fulfilling and creative, activities that enrich the spirit and the mind- whether or not they enrich the pocket book.  Certainly writing does that for me.  Since I've been writing regularly, I feel my thoughts expanding and my confidence growing. I see myself looking at the world throught a different lens, more aware of its natural beauty, while increasing my interest in the relationships between people and the space they occupy.  I'm excited by these changes.  They multiply upon themselves, these rewards of writing, and I've come to consider my writing practice a good investment in self development.   

I must remind myself of that, and often, especially when that nagging voice starts whining in my ear.  But when I sit down to write, when I allow words to tumble out of my head and onto the page, the sensations of relief, excitement, and satisfaction, encourage my heart (and pen!) to keep writing.

A Writer? Who, Me?

Reading through all  the phenomenal reponses to last week's prompt - the poetry, photography, the heartfelt reflections - I found myself more and more amazed by the creative thinking you all expressed.  One after the other, you amazed me with the level of awareness you demonstrated, and the varied focal points that direct your creative lives.  On a couple of occasions, I found myself so excited by what I was reading I jumped up from the computer and sat down at the piano, feeling a need to release some of that energy in a physical way that only pounding out a Beethoven piano sonata can do. But, then it hit me.  Suddenly I was paralyzed, stopped dead in my tracks across the keyboard.  What the heck am I doing?  I thought in a panic.  Who am I to ask people - especially people as talented and creative as all of you are - to talk about their writing?  After all, what do I - a humble housewife and office worker, who dabbles in wordplay - have to say about the writing process that could be of value to anyone?

Self-doubt assailed me.

Writer's are notorious for doubting themselves, aren't they? Certainly we're all familiar with stories of the depressed writer, slugging gin and downing pills in an effort to stimlulate the muse. Unlike other creative work, the fruits of a writer's labor aren't immediately visible.  We work away at putting words on paper, and in the end what do we have to show for it?  Anyone can put words on paper, we think.  What's so special about that?  Where do we get off thinking our words are better than those of the average joe sitting on the bar stool next to us?  What's so special about our vision of the world, our ideas, our little storylines?

 Natalie Goldberg calls this voice "The Editor," and says "the more clearly you know it, the better you can ignore it."  Write down what that Editor keeps saying, Goldberg advises, so you recognize those thoughts for what they are, simply "prattle in the background" of your mind, and can dismiss them as easily as you would the "distant sound of white laundry flapping in the wind."  Unless you do, it will take over your creative thoughts and smother them as effectively as a wet blanket does a flame.  Instead, Goldberg continues, "have a sense of tenderness and determination toward your writing, a sense of humor and deep patience that you are doing the right thing."  (Writing Down the Bones)

Dorothea Brande also recommends a sense of tenderness toward your writing, a warm acceptance of your ability and the importance of putting words on the page.  "Don't follow yourself around nagging and suggesting and compaining," she scolds.  "Hold your own good work up to yourself as a standard...keep a friendly, critical eye on your progress."  (On Becoming A Writer)

I like the idea of being "tender" toward my writing, of "keeping a friendly eye on my progress."  Ultimately, I have to believe that my "vision of the world" has meaning, even if for no one other than myself,  that the process of putting my thoughts and emotions on paper in the form of stories and essays is a worthwhile practice, and one that benefits my mind and spirit.  Like the practice of yoga, where we come with "a willful determination but without pressure to be perfect," the practice of writing helps us work toward expressing our minds and hearts in a beautiful and meaningful way.

Goldberg quotes Chogyam Trungpa, a Tibetan Buddhist master, as saying: "We must continue to open in the face of tremendous opporistion.  No one is encouraging us to open and still we must peel away the layers of the heart." 

As we Write On Wendesdays, perhaps we can encourage each other to open our hearts and trust our own voices as we progress in this practice of writing.

 How about you?  Are you ever assailed with self doubt about your writing ability, or about the reasons for writing at all?  Do you "follow yourself around nagging and suggesting and complaining"? What are some of the negative things your Editor tells you?  What could your Editor say to be more encouraging?   How do you encourage yourself to keep practicing the craft of writing?

The Crazy Side

Just finished watching the latest episode of Army Wives, one of the few TV shows I watch regularly.  In this episode, one of the "wives," a nurse at the post hospital, receives an unexpected gift from a patient-his beloved motorcycle.  As a double amputee, he figures he won't be riding anytime soon, and Denise has shared joyful memories of her youthful riding experiences with him. Denise's character is quite conventional - her husband is a bit of a brute, and her decision to return to work as a nurse caused huge upheaval in their relationship.  She's reluctant to ride the motorcycle, and leaves it sitting in the hospital parking garage where she stops to admire it daily.  One day, a handsome young doctor rides in on his own bike, and they strike up a conversation.  She admits the bike is "hers," even though she hasn't ridden it yet.

"I don't even have a license!" she says.

"License!" he scoffs. "Who needs a license?  You've got a crazy bone somewhere in you, don't you?"

"Oh no," she demurs, "I don't think I do."

"Sure you do," he says with a wicked grin. "Everybody does."

Hmm, I caught myself thinking. 

Where the hell has my crazy bone gone to?

Truly, I haven't done a crazy thing in God only knows when.  The last remotely crazy thing I did...see, I can't remember one.  I haven't even gone out speeding driving in my car with the windows down and the radio blasting since way last summer.  I've been limiting myself to one glass of wine a day, going to bed at 11:30 every night - what could be less crazy than the life I've been living?

There's been a restless yearning in my heart lately, a "need for speed" - not just physical speed, but a desire to feel a heart racing excitement, an adrenaline rush, a fist-pumping acclamation.  The emotional equivalent of that wind in your face feeling you might get doing 80 mph on a Harley.

Don't you think we should indulge our crazy bones once in a while?  Cut loose from that oh-so-responsible person who always does the right thing, shows up for work on time, follows all the rules, tries to be nice and helpful and good?

Today, I met with my aunt and uncle, both in their 80's.  He's suffering from Alzheimer's, she's a cancer survivor who's battling crippling arthritis.  They continue to live independently, in the home they purchased  back in 1954.  A few weeks ago, a man followed them home from the bank and robbed her as she was unlocking the back door to the home that has been their sanctuary for the past 54 years.  Now, she's afraid to leave the house.  He has no recollection of what happened, no matter how many times she relives the story. 

Talk about living on the crazy side.

Of course, it's not that kind of crazy I'm looking for. 

What I am looking for is an opportunity to enjoy life, to indulge my "crazy bone" in case fate intervenes and casts a shadow of true insanity upon my existence.

Anybody know where I can get a good deal on a Harley?

Sunday Scribblings-Vision

"I can see clearly now, the rain has gone,

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

Gonna be a bright, sunshiny day."

Funny how sometimes a tune will pop into your mind, and, once there, refuse to leave.  When I read this week's Sunday Scribblings prompt, these lyrics immediately came to mind, and now I wish I had an escape key for the microprocessor in my brain.

Nevertheless, they're appropriate for the topic.  After all, "I can see clearly now..."seems the perfect seque to a reflection on the word "vision." 

Unfortunately, it's the second line of the song that seems to dominate my thoughts. 

"I can see all obstacles in my way."  I wish I were more of a visionary, but after 50 plus years on the planet, I seem stuck in my overly pragmatic (bordering on pessimistic) outlook.  Everywhere I look these days, in the wide world and in my own little backyard , I see obstacles - monetary, political, environmental, medical. Many of my own dreams are on hold because of the faltering economy and shaky socio political status.  Health concerns loom in my family right now, from the oldest members on down to the youngest.   All of life's obstacles are clearly visible, and they've gathered overhead in the shape of some pretty formidable clouds.

At first it seems that phrase is a little out of place in the general "sunshininess" of that song, doesn't it?  I mean, if you can see all the obstacles in your way, how the heck can it be a bright sunshiny day?

Our minister's sermon this morning was quite appropriate to my thoughts today.  Entitled "Weeds in the Garden" he talked about the pervasive nature of "weeds" in our lives - those obstacles that spring up totally unbidden, flourish despite our efforts, and threaten to destroy the vision we have for our lives.  How do you fight these invaders? he wonders. 

Three things...a vision, a plan, and committment.  Have a clear picture in your mind of what you want your garden to be, make a plan to achieve it, and committ yourself to whatever it takes to keep the weeds out.  Of course, if you have a spiritual life, then God (or your higher power) becomes the guiding principle in your life's plan, as well as in the means of bringing it to fruition.

Having a vision seems to be the key.  If you can dream it, you can do it, as the saying goes.  I struggle with that  - not the dream part, because I have those in abundance.  But in finding a means to make them come true.  And a big part of that is not allowing those inevitable obstacles to blind you to the brightness of your vision, and in allowing the universe to do its part in making the dreams come true.

So, I continue to work toward "openess to possibility," toward looking for silver linings of opportunity peeking out from beneath those obstacles of clouds.  In the midst of economoic turmoil, I'm grateful everyone in my family has good jobs; amidst concerns about health, I'm reassured that hopeful solutions exist; despite a loss of focus among our current leaders, I have faith that new leaders will emerge to provide inspiration for change.

And so, maybe it will be a "bright, sunshiny day."

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love...

Writing from home! Michele tagged me for this meme the other day, and I've been so busy "writing at home" I haven't had time to complete it. 

Now that Write On Wednesday is up and running (or launched as they say in the web design business), I can sit back (in my favorite comfy chair), put my (bare!) feet on the ottoman, drink my tea (Adagio Rooibos Tropics...delish!),  enjoy the new music I just dowloaded on my I-Pod (Mozart Piano Trio in B-flat major), and think about some of the reasons I love writing from home.

Hmmm...I believe I just told you quite a few of them.

Being comfortable is a big one. 

Having my doggies nearby is another.

Being able to multi-task on the homefront is huge.

Most of all, being flexible...if the muse is being stubborn, I can prod her along with a walk, or by sitting down at the piano for a bit, or picking up a favorite inspirational book on writing.

One thing I try never to do when I'm supposed to be writing at home...turn on the television!  For me, it's sudden death to any creative urge or ambition!

I've been fortunate in that I can also do a good deal of my office job at home -it's writing too, but of an entirely different kind.  And all the same reasons apply. <smiles>

How about you? Can you work at home? Would you want to? Or do you like to keep work and home life separate?