The Responsibility Ticker *Updated*

*24 hours have passed, and with it a noticeable slowing of the ubiquitous Responsibility Ticker.  Much was accomplished today, proving once again that if you allow yourself some breathing room, it's easier to get into gear and get things done. I did indeed clean out my closet today, and my husband's closet as well.  I've have four big bags of clothing to donate to a local charitable organization, and decided I obviously have plenty of clothes to get me through the summer. (Sad, since I love buying new clothes, but better for the pocketbook.)

The most exciting thing is this...about 11:00 this morning, a crew of six very cute young men arrived with heavy equipment and cut down all the bushes in front of my house.  (Yes, Brian, every one!)  You see, I have an old house with old landscaping, and I've been wanting to replace it for years, but always felt it would be too expensive. 

So, why finally take the plunge in a year when I really have no money to spare?

Let's just say these guys were not only incredibly cute, they were incredibly cheap.  In less than an hour, 50 years worth of overgrown bushes were history.  In a couple of days, I'll be meeting with a landscape designer to pick out a new look for my old house. 

And everyone needs a makeover once in a while, right?

Yeah, I felt a moment of sadness as my husky helpers chopped those bushes off at the roots and fed them mercilessly into their deluxe John Deere chopper.  I admit it, I'm sentimental about stuff.  After all, this is the girl that used to tuck blankets around any of her picture books that had pictures of puppies on them, in case the puppies might get cold. 

But these old bushes were long past time to die - they had overgrown the sidewalk and were blocking our view out the windows. 

And so it's on to something new - for the house, and for me. I'm starting to think about what new and different things may develop in my life over the next months...

And I'm excited.

As long as I can keep that old Responsibility Ticker at bay. *smiles*

~~~~~~

When we came home from Florida on Monday, I was eagerly anticipating more temperate weather.  It's been a relatively cool spring in Michigan, and after the heat and humidity that was ramping up near the equator, I was not wholly averse to returning to my Great Lake breezes.

Well, no such luck.

It's been hotter than a firecracker, as my grandmother would say.  It's 93 degrees and humid today.  Plus, the wind is blowing like crazy, so when you step outside, scalding hot air slaps you hard across the face.

Yech.

We've all been inside most of the day, because none of us likes the heat.  Our little Molly completely wilts when it's hot, and even though the house is air-conditioned to a comfortable 78 degrees, she mopes around as if she's lost her best friend (no matter that he's trailing along behind her).

I have to admit I've done nothing today.  Nothing I consider productive.  I despise days like that, and sometimes I'm afraid there's something seriously wrong with me, because I have this huge list of things that need to be done running through my head like the New York Stock Exchange ticker...clean out the closet; do the laundry; pay the bills; visit your mother in law; visit your aunt; clean the bathroom; mop the kitchen; finish the short story; clean up the car; make some dinner; an endless loop of responsibilities, none of which I can make myself do!

Yech.

So closely following the ticker tape of tasks, is the ticker tape of guilt.  Your wardrobe's a mess; the hamper is full; your credit rating is sinking; your mother in law is languishing; your aunt is needy; the bathroom is grungy; the kitchen floor is sticky; the short story stinks; the car is a mess; I'm hungry.

Now my husband, bless his heart, seems to turn his resposibility ticker to OFF on the weekends.  He can lay on that leather couch in front of that big screen tv with the ceiling fan whirring overhead and a beer on the table beside him just as happy as a clam. He can lay there for hours, days even.

So why do I get so bothered by the fact that I haven't checked anything off my list this weekend?  And where is that damn OFF switch?

I've always allowed resposibility to weigh too heavily on my shoulders.  It's battered me into the ground on more than one occasion, held me back from opportunities I wished I'd taken, and prevented me from moving away from unhealthy situations.  I allow my motivation in life to come from shoulda's instead of coulda's.  Then I feel guilty when I don't perform to my own expectations.

And sometimes I get angry about that.

It's 5:00 on a Sunday afternoon.  I'm going to stop feeling guilty, I'm going to pour myself a cold glass of wine, slice a bit of smoked Gouda cheese off that wedge, grab some plump red grapes, and settle into my chair for at least 30 minutes.

Then I'll clean out my closet.

Wild for West Wing

Let me just say - I love CJ Cregg. We've been watching The West Wing tv series for the past several years, renting one DVD after another from Netflix and viewing the whole series from start to finish. We're into the final season of as the second term of the Bartlett administration is drawing to a close. It's an election year, and the parallels between this fictional race and the current real world political drama are simply uncanny. (An upstart young Latino Congressman sweeps the Democratic nomination after duking it out with long standing party favorites and is pitted against an elder statesman Republican.) Adding to the political excitement on the show was the sudden death of John Spencer, an original, beloved cast member, whose character was Bartlett's Chief of Staff and was on the new ticket as VP...well, it's just outstanding drama in every way.

And the writing on this show is spectacular - it's sharp, and witty, and pungent. The pace is fast, and the dialogue whizzes by, meaning I don't always get what's happening, so I have to do a quick rewind (another good reason for watching it on DVD).

But the episode we watched tonight (Internal Displacement) was CJ's show. CJ ( or Claudia Jean) Cregg, played by the inimitable Allison Janney, started out as Press Secretary and is now Chief of Staff in the waning days of Jed Bartlett's regime. The episode starts out with her rushing in to join her old beau, Danny Kincannon, for a late dinner. He's a reporter, and she broke up with him long ago, citing "conflict of interest." But he's back, and he clearly wants to renew their relationship. However, as is often the case with CJ, her ideals get in the way of her emotions, and before long they're sparring in fine style.  At one point, Danny's chiding her (and the administration) for not using their last days in office to accomplish more.

"Don't you realize how much power you have?" he asks her. "Don't you want to make some impact here?"

"Of course I do!" she replies, with some desperation in her voice.  "I'm well aware that I'm living out the first line of my obituary!"

Whoa.

"I'm well aware that I'm living out the first line of my obituary."

Naturally, a line like that sets off a firestorm in my head.  What will be the first line of my obituary?  What would I want it to be?  Have I already lived it?  Am I yet to live it? 

At any rate, CJ spends the next 42 minutes kicking serious butt - from the Chinese ambassador to the  President's (cheating) son in law - no one is immune from her quest to make her mark on the world.

The show closes on the following day, with the pair of them back in the same restaurant.  Her demeanor reflects her activities over the past 24 hours, and she can now sit back and tell Danny she's "planning to suck every last  bit of meat off the bone of this experience."

I think that's what I'd like the first line of my obituary to say - or at least imply.

"She sucked every bit of meat off the bone of this experience."

Claudia Jean - you rock.

Arts and Crafts

Okay, I'm in need of some artistic vibe from all you artists out there...I have a craft project to do today (and I admit the thought strikes fear into my heart).  You see,  I was the little girl whose art papers were always covered with globs of glue in mistaken places, and funny mishapen objects that looked nothing whatsoever like the thing they were meant to represent.   My few attempts at sewing have been exercises in futility (except for that time I worked on a quilt...that turned out pretty well).

Anyway, today's project requires some paper craft.  Here's the story...

My friend Pat and I are attending a bridal shower for a former student.  Our gift (which will be a combined wedding and shower gift) is a quilt, being made specially for her by the mother of another one of her classmates.  HOWEVER, the quilt isn't done yet, so my task is to make "something artistic" - my friend's words- to convey that the gift is in process.

My thought is to make a card of some kind, perhaps with a patchwork-y design, and use some of those nifty little things you can stick on.   Then inside I can write (oh, yes! something I can do!) about the special gift she will receive on her wedding day.

So before I go to Michael's and stand perplexed in front of all the cards/stamps/stickers, etc., I'm placing myself at the mercy of all you artistic gurus out there...

Send good thoughts my way, won't you?~*smiles*~

The Other Side of the Door

"How did you get that?" I asked my husband, placing my fingertip on a nasty looking bruise on his chest. "I'm not sure," he replied, giving me a meaningful smirk, "but I think I might have run into a cupboard door- you know, one that somebody left open."

It's one of those standing jokes in our house, my problem with closing things.  Doors, drawers, bottle tops - I admit it, I have a very bad habit of leaving them ajar.  We all started talking about it the other night when my daughter in law mentioned how careful my son always was to close things gently and tightly.

"Hah!" I said, pointing at my husband.  "He gets THAT from you!"  Nobody disputed my point.

So then, as is my wont, I started thinking about how that tendency of mine, that inability to close things, how that might relate to my life in general.

Well, I'm sure you see it, especially if you've read this post. 

Closing doors tightly behind you...it eliminates too many options, doesn't it?  After all, if I close up and lock the back door every time the dogs go in or out, I'd be doing that all day.  If I close every cupboard after I get something out of it, why, I'll just be opening it again in a few seconds to get something else.  Why make re-entry so difficult? 

But contrary to long standing habit, I just closed a door - a symbolic one, but a large and ponderous one nevertheless. 

Yes, I did it today.  All my quitting is done. I've told everyone who needs to be told, I've explained simply and with love and honesty my reasons for needing to move on.  I stood firm amidst the expected dismay and sadness and attempts to change my mind.

And I must tell you, I feel only relief, a sense of lightness and freedom such as I haven't felt in a long time.

As well as a sense of excitement, because you know what they say about doors...

When one closes - another one opens.

And I can't wait to see what's behind it.

Thanks for Listening

I knew you'd come through, and you did.  Thank you for the wise, funny, supportive comments on my last (rambling) post.  I responded to each of you in the comments on that post (I wish I had time to do that on every post, for the converations could go on and on...)

You are such good listeners.  You've helped me reinforce what I already knew in my heart, and I thank you from the bottom of it :) 

And, to continue in this attitude of gratitude...I was gifted with two awards this week:

 

  from Deirdre

AND...

 

 from Beatriz

Who better to pass these along to than all of my excellent friends who were there when I felt like talking...

Anno, Star, Beatriz, June, Bella, and Sherry, Rebecca, Barbara, Bella Rum, Tammy...and to anyone else to comes along with a listening ear and two cents to throw into the pot :) 

You guys are the greatest!!!