Sunday Scribblings-The Monster

My son had a recurring nightmare when he was a child, and it centered around something he called "the dark 2000 years old." He would awake in absolute terror, yet he could not (and to this day still will not) talk about this monstrosity that terrorized his dreams. So often the biggest monsters in our lives are the ones we refuse to confront. Like an ancient, dark presence they lie buried in our souls, coloring our behavior, our attitudes, our ability to live life to the fullest, often without our even being aware of their existence.

Perhaps it is dissapointment in a spouse, who in some way has failed to live up to the expectations and dreams you once shared.

Perhaps it is anger at a parent, who failed to provide the love and encouragement you needed.

Possibly, it's guilt surrounding a failed relationship with a family member or friend.

Maybe it's disillusionment regarding a career that has proven to be less fulfilling and rewarding than you had hoped. Or a dream for yourself that you've neglected to pursue.

So often we shelter these dark monsters in our heart, afraid to expose them to light and compassion, and change. It takes great courage to grab hold of these creatures and stare them in their wretched faces. And sometimes you can't do it alone - you need the presence of a strong and steady lover or friend to stand guard as you struggle with the demon. Yet, if you are powerful enough to conquer your own "dark 2000 years old," how safe and free you will become, safe enough let yourself love with abandon, free enough to pursue all those dreams you've hidden away.

My little boy used to stand wild eyed and trembling at my bedside in the middle of the night, consumed with fear at this indescribable horror that had insinuated itself into his life. I would scoop him up into my arms, ply him with gentle conversation and some warm Ovaltine, read his favorite storybooks, and try my best to eradicate the evil monster in his mind. It wasn't all that difficult to do, because, as bad as his "dark thing" was, it was a vague, amorphous evil. As adults, our monsters are often all too solid and well-formed. Dealing with them might require tougher measures than a gentle cuddle and a story with a happy ending.

Then again, perhaps not. Sometimes even life's oldest, darkest dilemmas will respond quite well to a hearty dose of love, optimism, and faith.

Checking In

Drum roll, please. It's here. The last weekend before school officially starts. So - it's time to return to this post, and see how I did on all my ambitious summer plans. And yes, I promise to be brutally honest (ouch! some of this is going to hurt, I just know it). 1. OK, here's the skinny on the weight loss. I have been very faithful about going to the gym, and I'm really proud of myself. Actually, I like going over there three mornings a week and getting all hot and sweaty. I feel good when I leave, both mentally and physically, and turns out my blood pressure is about 10 mm/hg lower than it's ever been, which my doctor says is because of the exercise program. However...in the three months that I've been doing this, I have not lost one pound!!!! I did lose one inch, which is (very) moderately satisfying. I will not be buying a new wardrobe, however. My old one fits me just fine - in fact, a little better than before.

2. The photography project - well, half the time I forget to take the darn camera when I go somewhere. Case in point - my dear friend's surprise 40th birthday, which turned into a surprise engagement party! And where is my camera - at home, on the kitchen table.

3.Beethoven Piano Sonata - uhh, piano? Is that the hulking piece of furniture in my living room with about three inches of dust on those black and white keys?

4. Reading Charles Dickens, specifically Bleak House, in tandem with the BBC tv series - the first DVD was pretty good, but the book (even in papeback) nearly broke my nose when I dropped it on my face after falling asleep while reading it.

5. The second half of the above resolution was to get more involved in poetry - YES! I did this one! I've posted something on Poetry Thursday every week this summer! (whew!)

6. Cooking more often and more healthy - I like cooking, I really do. If someone would just go to the market and get all the things I needed , I would be so happy to cook any recipie in any cookbook. But, since I have no designated shopper, I often get frustrated about all the thought I need to put into my grocery list and opt for take-out from Szechuan Empire instead.

7. Spending more time with those I love - Again, some congratulations are in order. I have indeed spent lots of time with M& M, and I've dutifuly visited at least one elder relative each week. So, one gold star, teachers, please.

I suppose I could be really disappointed in myself. Percentage wise, I think I'm at about 30% as far as completion of my appointed tasks. Of course, I knew when I wrote that post that I was pretty likely to fail. But I don't really care. At least I cared enough about my life and my future to think about it and make some kind of plan for it. There have been times in my life when I was either to immature and ignorant to do that, or too scared and heartsick to do that.

So, I'll congratulate myself on the things that I did, and file all the rest onto my list for January's resolutions!!!

Some photos to remember my summer by:

Poetry Thursday - Time

Time

Flying

doesn't begin to describe

what happens to it

More like

disintegrate, evaporate, eviscerate

My lack of it

cuts me

like the sharpest of knives

in my drawer

The one I use for carrots

or steak

Little pieces of it

get swept into the dust bin

tossed away

before I know they're gone

Panicked

I rummage through trash

hoping to find a morsel

I can still put to good use

Elated

I grab scraps -

ten minutes here

fifteen there

Could it be I've found

one hour

soggy and tattered

amidst the rubble?

Clutching this treasure

this time of my own,

I weep

Then throw wide the door

and

fly

for more timely verse, go here

One Deep Breath - Music

Music haiku - what could be more appropriate for me, especially today as I prepare to return to my job as an accompanist for high school singers. Music is a huge passion of mine- playing it, performing it, sharing it with others. I've considered myself a musician for at least 44 of my 50 years, and I hope I can continue practicing (forgive the pun!) this art for at least 44 more!

Hands poised to strike eighty-eight keys to command the ivories are mine

Black notes on the page become lyric and song feeding my soul

Lost in the melody singer becomes song we emerge triumphant

Applause like fine wine richly rewards mind and heart - encore please!

for more musical haiku, go here

Home Again

Sigh. It's a little quiet around my house tonight. No soft hum of conversation from the guest room, no click-click of the keys on the computer, no sudden giggles or hearty guffaws at something comical on TV or the web, no late night kitchen raids for a bowl of cereal or some cookies and milk. My son left home today. Well, to be fair, he really left home eight years ago when he moved to Florida to go to college. Fresh out of high school, he packed up virtually everything he owned, rented his own apartment, and proceeded to set up housekeeping for himself. He did a fine job of it too, but, like his ancient ancestor Adam, found himself a little lonely. So within a couple of years he found the perfect partner. She too was living all alone - in Australia, and far away from her family in Thailand. So now they have a home and life of their own in Florida. And lucky for us, they've been visiting with us for the past 10 days.

It's interesting when grown children come home. So many old habits remain - the way he stopped by our room on his way to bed to call out "Good Night," just like he did every night when he was a child. The way he stays up late, typing away at his keyboard and listening to music on his headphones, as he so often did as a teenager. But now he's often working when he's typing away at the computer, and he takes conference calls from places like Kansas and China. And when he goes to bed at night, he sleeps with his wife, and not with an array of stuffed toys.

I think if you do your job as a parent (and you have a little bit of good luck on your side) your children will establish independent lives, relationships, and homes. They will pursue their passions, and follow their dreams. But in fulfilling your duty as a parent, and supporting your children in pursuit of their dreams, it actually means causing yourself great pain. The thing we most want to do, from the minute our babies are born, is to keep them close to us. And the thing we have to start doing, from the minute they're born, is learning how to let them go.

So, I waved goodbye at the airport again this afternoon-I've gotten really good at doing that. And once again I came home to a very empty room, and a very quiet house.

Sigh.