Becca Rowan is a writer and the author of Life in General, a collection of essays about mid-life as experienced by an American woman in the 21st century. Becca loves creating connections by sharing stories on her popular blog.
Infinite footprints
leave ghostly echoes
on long forgotten pathways. I admit it, I was a daddy's girl. I couldn't wait until my dad got home from work each day, and would swing me up in his arms and twirl me around until I was dizzy with delight. Even when I was little bitty, I recognized that the way his face lit up when he caught sight of me racing down the sidewalk to meet him meant that I was his "most special person." And as I got older, that same face would beam with pride at my piano recitals, enjoying every minute of each one, from the three line, one fingered pieces, all the way through to Beethoven Sonatas and Debussy's Arabesque. From the earliest of ages, I was always certain of one thing, and that was my father's love and acceptance. That was why his betrayal hurt me so deeply. Technically, it was my mother he betrayed, but the ramifications of his actions affected me at my deepest core. Even though I was a grown woman with a family of my own, the things he did meant I could no longer count on him to be there for me, as guardian, protector, constant admirer. I built up a huge core of anger and resentment toward him, feelings that no amount of therapy or pharmaceuticals seemed to erase. We were completely estranged for several years.
I did a lot of reading and talking about forgiveness, from the Christian standpoint and the psychotherapeutical standpoint. I visualized my anger and hurt feelings being tossed from a cliff, submerged in the waves, burned to ashes. But I could always manage to rekindle those embers of rage, and for a long time I held on to them so tightly becuase the anger was the only power I had over the pain he had caused me.
In his wonderful novel The Grace That Keeps This World, author Tom Bailey writes:
"Forgiveness didn't arrive as a thought. You could talk about the idea of forgiveness, of course, talk it out, reason with yourself, but that wasn't the mystery of forgiveness. An emotion first, it happened in the heart, not the head. And you had to be prepared to receive it - there were no short cuts to the full knowledge of it."
That's exactly how it happened for me. One day I realized that thinking about my dad no longer made me white hot with anger, no longer made me want to scream about his unfairness and injustice. Forgiveness appeared as a surprise, unbidden, arriving in my heart like a long hoped for guest. I welcomed it with open arms.
Today, I'm having lunch with my dad and his wife. We laugh and talk fairly easily together, now. I am not the little girl that runs to meet him with such great joy, but meeting him brings me a measure of peace. In the end, forgiveness was a gift to both of us.
I've spent the last several days in an alternate universe. Well, it was really just a theme park, but it seemed like a "whole new world" (cue song, please!) Yes, I've been in Disney World, fighting my way through crowds of hot, irritable people, standing in endless queues, paying far too much money for overly large portions of average tasting food, and attempting to convince myself that I'm having a good time. I am not unfamiliar with the American theme park experience, particularly the Walt Disney World Experience, and there is no doubt that Disney does theme parks very well. The attention to detail is amazing, and there is a huge variety of experiences on offer. No mindless roller coasters for Walt's parks- even the "thrill rides" have a theme. The newest entry in this vein is Mission Everest, a huge replica of Mt. Everest with a winding miner's railroad that scales the peak in a hair raising journey, hauling you hundreds of feet into the air before sending you careening to the bottom once again.
The difference on this trip was the presence of an eight year old child, which meant we couldn't just meander desultorily through the parks for an hour or two, and return to our hotel for drinks around the pool. We had to really do the park -mingle with the masses, ride the rides, eat the food, brave the heat.
What struck me most about the crowds on this trip was the single minded determination to have a good time, even if it killed them. Late one afternoon, I overheard a mother complaining about her whining five year, saying that he had been "like that" since they got there at 7:00 a.m. that morning! American's can be greedy, and we don't really know how to pace ourselves. This is never more evident than at Disney World, where the game plan is to experience as much as possible as fast as you can.
But in spite of the crowds and confusion (and just plain misery sometimes) we came away feeling as if it were all worthwhile. By the end of the trip,we were laughing about getting soaked on the Kali River Rapids ride, and missing the 11:00 showing of Stitch's Great Adventure because we were standing in line to get a "fast pass" for Splash Mountain. Or not being able to get an ice cream cone because there was a parade going by and they wouldn't let us cross the street to get to the ice cream parlor.
Maybe our ability to find satisfaction in the face of adversity is also an American trait. One of my favorite shows at Epcot, The American Adventure, quite beautfully depicts the traumas of the first American settlers, and reminds us of the work it's taken to get this country where it is, brash, bold, even rude, but always seeking happiness and a good life experience. I guess that's the spirit that keeps us plugging along, through theme parks and through life in the 21st century. Hopeully, that same spirit will provide the guts to keep us in glory for centuries to come - the spirt that sets us apart from the rest of the world.
Imminent storm -Tropical winds send clouds racing To protect the moon. Tropical storm Alberto joined us during our vacation in Florida this week. One windy evening I looked skyward to see the heavens covered with ragged clouds hurrying by, gathering in a protective clump around the moon. For more haiku go here.
