Gratitude

November became my favorite month when this little guy was born last year on the 14th. To celebrate, we’re taking a family trip to Disney World. Oh, we know Connor is too young to remember much about it, but Disney is a special place for our family so it seemed like the perfect way to celebrate this momentous event. Celebration and gratitude go hand-in-hand, and so I’m also participating in 20 Days of Thanks on Facebook. Starting today until November 22, it’s a way to be mindful of all the good things in our lives. It’s ever so easy to dwell on the negative, especially after a horrible disaster like Hurricane Sandy. I’m grateful for organizations like the Red Cross, grateful I can send a donation to help them do their important work.

Silver linings. Sometimes we have to squint to see them.

Most every time, they are there.

What are you grateful for this month?

The Sunday Salon: Mysterious

As gusty winds blow leaves into miniature hurricanes, I sit snug and warm in my little writing room, watching from the second story window as the treetops waltz against the sky. Here in Michigan we are not in the eye or even the path of this horrific storm, but today’s weather reminds me how fickle Mother Nature can be. Only two days ago we had windows wide open to invite summer-like breezes to blow through the house. Today seems like a good day for a mystery, and so that’s what I’ve chosen to read. A Beautiful Mystery, in fact, the new one in Louise Penny’s glorious series about Inspector Armand Gamache. While many of her books are set in the lovely little town of Three Pines, this one takes the Inspector farther afield - to a ancient monestery where the monks have all taken a vow of silence, the only time they speak being to sing the ancient Gregorian chants that are their pathway to the Divine.

Except one of them has turned up dead, most certainly at the hands of another.

A not-so-beautiful mystery.

As I read this story, I marvel once again at the research it takes to write a novel filled with such authenticity and perfectly evoked atmosphere. Gregorian chant, ancient orders of monks, prehistoric musical notation - my goodness, the research she must have done. And she weaves it all into the story line so effortlessly (or so it seems).

But I know that is an illusion, and there is immense work and effort involved.

The workings of a writer’s mind are a marvelous mystery indeed.

Be Careful

My 86 year old father always says those words to me when we say goodbye - whether it’s a phone conversation or a personal visit, it always ends with those words, spoken now in his somewhat querulous voice. “You be careful, alright?"

“I will,” I always answer. “Don’t worry."

Truth is, though, I’m not always careful. I usually drive too fast (although since I’m definitely driving an old lady car these days my lead foot is not as much of an issue as it used to be), I don’t always eat three meals a day, I stay up too late and get up too early, I say “yes” to more things than I shouId, I exceed my one-glass-of-wine-per day allowance, I let the world stress me out.

I worry a lot.

And most often, the last person I worry about is myself.

Deb Smouse, my friend (and editor at ATG magazine) writes a lot about taking care of yourself. In fact, she and my Dad would probably get along just great, because she knows just how important it is for each one of us to care for ourselves. Not just the “looking both ways when you cross the street” kind of careful, but the kind that shows you’re aware of your needs and you make time and space in your life to honor them.

In fact, her blog post today reminded me just how often I fail at taking care of the most important person in my life.

Me.

And I cringe a little bit when I write those words, because I was brought up to think of myself last, to put the needs of others first - others being my family, friends, dogs, boss, neighbors, the mailman, the plumber...

You get the picture. “Good girls” always sacrifice their needs and desire for the greater good and comfort of others.

But after reading Deb’s post today, I’m about ready to say balderdash to that philosophy.

"Denying yourself necessary time for self-care is detrimental not only to your body, but also to your mind and soul."   

Why should I feel guilty for taking an afternoon to get a facial or a mani/pedi? Or spend a couple of hours at the movies all alone? Or sit quietly on the deck for watching the sunset? Or even blow off a meeting to meet a friend for coffee?

I never do things like that. Instead, you’ll find me rearranging my personal schedule to accomodate some one else’s needs or to cross something else off my ever lengthening to-do list. I can barely allow myself the “luxury” of sitting down with a book for 30 minutes in the afternoon without feeling that all-too-familiar itch to get up and accomplish something worthwhile.

Why? Because I think I have to do all those things in order to please the people that are important to me.

To make sure they love me.

What I’m beginning to realize is that if I don’t love myself, then nobody else will love me either, because I’m not a very lovable person under those circumstances. I get cranky and miserable. I start running in those vicious circles where I don’t feel good so I don’t look good so I feel worse...ad infinitum.

"FORSAKING YOUR OWN SELF-CARE IS NO WAY TO BE OF SERVICE TO – OR TAKE CARE OF – OTHERS."

While I don’t think this is exactly what my father means in his ritual exhortation, “being careful” to take care of myself has to move higher on my priority list than it usually is. My one precious self is all I have, so I do need to be careful to keep it safe, both body and soul.

Or else everyone in my life loses - me, most of all.

How about you? Are you careful with your one precious self? How do you make self-care a priority?

The Sunday Salon: All’s Quiet

It has been quiet here, hasn’t it? Or maybe you haven’t even noticed.

Either way, it’s alright. Autumn is a time for drawing inward, for pulling all your inner resources together, storing energy and warmth for the cold hard days ahead.

I am a quiet person, best suited to being home with my family, my dogs, my books. I’m happy to let a certain few friends enter - in small groups only, please - but also just as happy when they’ve left and I’m on my own once again. Crowds of people with their noise and activity suck the life right out of me - I recharge my batteries when I’m alone and left to own devices.

A few weeks ago, I took a shortened, online version of the MBTI, and was a little surprised to find such a strong preference for introversion (89%). Oh, I’m not surprised I’m introverted - I’ve known that since the first day of kindergarten when I was terrified and overwhelmed by spending three hours in a room with 29 other five-year olds. But I was a little nonplussed by the high degree of preference this test indicated.

Then I started reading Quiet, by Susan Cain. It’s a fascinating study of introversion - how this personality characteristic develops, the way it’s viewed in different societies, and how it can be beneficial in life and in the workplace. It will come as no surprise to most of you that America is a society which values the extrovert - people with the kind of gregarious, up and at ‘em personalities we associate with leaders and winners. Introverts often are made to feel like the last ones picked for the team.

It’s been comforting to recognize myself in Cain’s descriptions. “Introverts may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while they wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions."

You could easily insert my name at the beginning of every one of those sentences.

Cain defines introversion not as shyness (the fear of social disapproval or humiliation) but as a “preference for environments that are not overstimulating.” Which helps me understand why it’s so tiring for me to be in crowded places like airports or concert halls or amusement parks.

But the subtitle of this book - The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking - is the key to what I’m finding most interesting.  I’ve internalized the impression that being introverted meant weakness, at least in terms of social and intellectual accomplishment. But Cain’s book debunks that theory. Not only does she talk about some very powerful and accomplished introverts - Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Bill Gates, Marie Curie, and Warren Buffett to name a few- she also highlights numerous ways that the characteristics shared by many introverts can be extremely valuable assets in any setting. How deep thinking, focused attention, and quiet strength can make a huge difference in everything from social justice to rocket science.

Ghandi (another famous introvert!) once said, "In a gentle way you can shake the world."  I doubt if I’ll be doing any world shaking, but it’s good to know that I don’t have to apologize for being quiet anymore.

The Man

Dan would be "the man" at our house. Dan is a colleague of my husband’s who can do absolutely anything related to home construction. And I do mean anything.

Even though our new house was just about as move-in ready as you could ask for, we decided to do a few home improvements before we moved in. Jim sat down with Dan and mapped out a plan, they spent a boatload of money at Home Depot, and we were in business.

So far, Dan has put in electricity for a ceiling fan, raised the dropped ceiling in the basement to accomadate one too-tall entertainment center, built a gate for our deck to keep Magic and Molly from tearing off after a squirrel, installed a water heater and a new humidifier on the furnace, and is now in the process of constructing a full bathroom in the basement.

What did I tell you? He is The Man.

With all these various and sundry projects, it’s been great to have one person as a point of contact. Dan has some helpers he calls upon, and if he doesn’t have the access to do something, he invariably knows someone who does. Without Dan and his expertise, we would have been searching websites for contractors, not knowing who we were getting.

I know a few other guys like Dan who have a gift (and believe me, it is a gift!) for home construction and repair. Having a business with one point of contact - a home energy audit franchise - is invaluable in getting all your “homework” accomplished efficiently and effectively.

We’re lucky we found Dan.