Relinquishing Martha

We have succumbed to the lure of lazy Sunday mornings spent on the back porch with an extra-large mug of coffee and a good book, and have not been to church all summer.  Not until yesterday, when we were sort of forced to show up because my husband was scheduled to be lay reader in the service.  It's good that we went ~we had a chance to catch up with friends we hadn't seen in a while.  Good to be reminded that folks in the congregation are like a second family to us, and have missed seeing us there.  I have to imagine that Jim was inwardly chuckling as he read the  morning's scripture lesson.  It was the famous story of Martha and her sister Mary, and the different ways they reacted to an unexpected visitor (that would be Jesus).   Martha goes nuts trying to be the perfect hostess, while Mary plops down on the floor at Jesus' feet and  just savours being in his presence.  Martha, frustrated at what she perceives to be Mary's abdication of responsibility, turns to Jesus for support.  "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work myself?  Tell her to help me!"

Of course, the Lord is no help.  "Martha," He says, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Well. 

Just last week, when it appeared we were to have some unexpected visitors, I went into full Martha mode - hustling around, cleaning, shopping, fretting over the weeds in the garden and the dust on the draperies.   I do that a lot - get into a frenzy about all the "things" that need to be done.  

Yesterday as our minister talked about allowing ourselves time to communicate with God, to enjoy life, to reflect on the many blessings we've been given, I was reminded that the "better part" of living is not cleaning or organizing or paying bills.  Those things are necessary, of course, but so is a calm and peaceful  spirit.

So I'm trying to curb my Martha tendencies and be more Mary-like.

With that thought, I'm setting my usual Monday chores aside and heading off on a family walk.

Remembrance

They're on my mind tonight - the elders who are gone.  My mother in law, my aunt and uncle, even my grandparents who have been gone such a long time. Probably because tomorrow is my aunt's birthday.  Last year my mother planned a little celebration for her, in honor of her 85th birthday.  We had done a similar party on her 80th, but it was a surprise.   There were fewer guests this time around...seems like that's how it goes when you're that age.  Every holiday has one less place at the table.

And also because I signed the papers to close her estate today.  All my fiduciary duties are now complete, my last oppportunity to care for her, to do anything to help her - done.

In a strange twist of fate, tomorrow will find me at the cemetary where she's buried attending another funeral.  Our friend's mother passed away on Saturday, and her funeral will be held there tomorrow morning.  Her family had moved her to Cleveland several years ago, to facilitate being able to care for her.  But her roots are in Michigan, and so this is where she comes to rest.

There seems to be a steady stream of passages lately, and it's hard not to be depressed by it.  It makes me feel older than my years, I think, makes me worry over every little ache and pain, makes me stare squinty eyed at the people still left to me, looking for signs that they're moving toward that endless light  so maybe I can grab their arm and pull them back into the present with me for a while longer.  

Honestly, on some days, I'm not sure there's anything here worth pulling them back for.

But then Saturday afternoon there was a gathering to celebrate  baby Lenna Rose, the newest member of my extended family...a second-cousin-once removed (I think).  

And Saturday night there was a concert, a glorious celebration of the career of one man who has lived and breathed music for the past 40 years, a coming together of singers from all walks of life in proof of the ways music creates lifelong relationships.  Tomorrow, although the occasion will be sad, it will bring together three men who have been friends for over 40 years.  They rarely see each other, but continue to hold each other in high regard, continue to show up in remembrance of  important life passages.

So I try to remember these things when I'm inundated with bad news about oil spills, and stalled economic recoveries, and stock market losses.  Small good things, small pieces of evidence that there are miracles still to be found in my life and in yours.

Remembering is good.

Worthwhile

When a text message arrives on my cell phone at 11:30 p.m. it's usually not good news, since most of my friends (the few who text anyway) are of an age to have long since retired for the night.   So it was with some trepidation that I checked the phone, and while the message at first seemed innocuous, after a moment's reflection, I could tell the implications were anything but. "DYK of a cheap 1 bdrm apt I cld rent?" it read.  It was from a young friend of mine whom until that moment had been happily ensconced in a new condo she had purchased with her partner.  "Yes..." I typed.  "R U OK???"

A few seconds later..."No...A. ended our relationship. Devastated."

Now, apart from the weirdness of sharing and getting this kind of information in abbreviated blurbations, the news itself was unsettling.   This young woman had moved to Michigan because of her boyfriend's job, leaving behind a family back east  with whom she shared a very close relationship.   She has done well here in terms of career and friends, but this meant she would be feeling lost on several fronts.

We texted back and forth (and I have no idea why one of us didn't pick up the phone) until I determined that she was alright for the night.  But my sleep was restless and fitful after that.   We had made plans to meet for tea, and as I thought about what I might say to comfort or encourage her,  I realized how fortunate I was never to have experienced this kind of pain.   My first love was lying right beside me, 37 years after our  first date, and he's never given me a moment's reason to doubt that he'll be there until what amounts to forever.   How many women in today's world get to say that?

In my observation, I think young women today have a hard time with relationships.  The rules have changed so much, and  the expectations on both sides are extremely high.   Plus, it's simple enough to dissolve a relationship, even one that's been legally sanctioned, that I wonder if people not only give up on relationships but enter into them too easily, knowing there's a quick and "painless" way out. 

Quick it might be, but it's never painless, is it?

Yesterday, I had lunch with a group of friends, all ladies "of a certain age."  The topic turned to relationships as it so often does among women.

"Men are really all alike," my friend D. laughed.  "They just wear different pants."

"It's true," she went on.  "I used to think my husband was a huge pain in the ass, and I'd see my friends and think their husbands were perfect, that they had the perfect marriage.  And then they'd tell me things about their husbands, and I realised they were just as much a pain in the ass as mine!"

There definitely is no perfect relationship.  Ask anyone who's been married a long time, and they'll tell you.  It takes enormous amounts  of  patience and tongue biting to keep things on an even keel, neither of which necessarily gets easier with time.

Sometimes, it isn't worth it. 

But sometimes it is.

When I think about my young friend, feeling adrift and alone, I'm grateful to have someone in my life who thought I was worth it.

Insured to Aggravate

There's a fair bit of teeth gnashing going on at chez Becca tonight.  You see, we've dipped our toes into the water and started searching for health care coverage...our government subsidized COBRA coverage will soon expire, and the cost to maintain this current policy will almost triple.  So we looked into the new independent plans offered by Blue Cross Blue Shield, only to find these plans cost just as much  and provide less coverage. Grrr.

When it comes to health care, we've been pretty spoiled.  My husband's workplace has always provided us with  group coverage, and even though we've had to contribute to the cost, it's never been prohibitive.  But now that Jim is self-employed, and my part time job doesn't include health care, we're on our own.  And let me tell you, that's a frightening place to be these days.

Insurance is one of the things about modern life that makes me really angry.  I resent being hamstrung by the whole process.  You absolutely cannot live in 21st century America without health care coverage - not unless you want to risk bankruptcy.   And the cost of decent coverage is outrageous - we're looking at spending more than half of my monthly salary for health insurance.  How much am I going to resent that?  Knowing that the fruits of  two weeks worth of work  every month are going to line the coffers of some rich insurance agency. 

And because my work involves insurance related matters (auto insurance claims), I also know just how capricious and wasteful insurance companies can be.   Just today, a major insurance carrier we work with reinstated benefits for a woman who is clearly a drug addict, has been totally non compliant with treatment for the past two years, and is obviously only interested in bilking the system to maintain her addiction to pain killers and pay her boyfriend to provide her with "attendant care".  All this while a good friend of mine is fighting Blue Cross tooth and nail to get them to approve a stem cell transplant that could cure her leukemia.

Grrrrrrr.

If  I could, I think I would abolish the entire insurance system and go back to the days when we were all responsible for paying our own medical bills, making sure that those medical bills were "reasonable and customary" (favorite insurance bywords).    The whole thing is just out of control.

And I have no idea how it can ever be fixed.

Let Freedom Ring

Happy Birthday America. 234 years young.

While that might sound ancient in terms of "people" years, when you talk about nations, it's actually quite infantile.   When we were traveling in England a few years ago, we stopped in a neighborhood pub where the cornerstone read 1150 a.d.

Now, that's ancient.

But America has grown up pretty quickly, with a rapid fire trajectory to the top in terms of economy and political values and natural resources.   Sometimes I wonder if, like some of the teenagers I see around me, we haven't grown up a bit too fast, taken on more responsibility than we can handle, and even stepped out of line on more than a few occasions.  In fact, some of our recent problems might be  a "time out," a reality check that some behavior modification is in order.

But after all, our founding fathers were quite the rebellious upstarts, weren't they?  Just ask King George who lost those 13 colonies for the British Empire.   And their hearts were certainly in the right place, with their ideals about representative government, religious freedom, and equal opportunity for all. 

We're still working on some of that, but like anything worth having, it takes time and effort to make it all come true.

With any luck, we'll still be striving and strong until we're really ancient.

Happy Independence Day.

Let Freedom Ring.