Bored

This might be the only time you ever see that word on my blog~ but there it is. I'm bored. I know, you're all shaking your heads saying "What the heck? First she complains about never having any time to herself, and now she's bored?"

Human nature is perverse. From September to June, when I'm working two jobs, performing in three or four musical ensembles, and trying to run a household, my body is on overdrive. I'm always longing for just a day or two of empty calendar space. Then, during the summer, everything shuts down. Even my office job fizzles to nothing. For about six weeks, I love the quiet, empty hours, the time to read, write, play whatever music I want, stare out the window, lie in the grass...all that summertime stuff. But, now it's August, and the back to school ads are popping up everywhere. Maybe it's just my body kick-starting itself, but I feel restless and itchy to do something different.

When my son was small, he was always dreaming up creative projects for himself. I've never known a child who was always so busy. But occasionally, he'd meander out to the kitchen or family room, hang around momentarily, and then utter sheepishly..."I'm kinda bored." "Well," I say, rather nonplussed, "you could go for a bike ride. Or clean your room. Or..." "Never mind!" he'd say, brightening suddenly. "I just thought of something!" Off he'd go, back to his room or the basement, where he'd disappear for hours completing his next story, drawing, video...whatever great idea had popped into his head.

I guess he gets that from me, because boredom is a rare occurrence in my life. I'm not one who can sit still for very long (unless I'm writing or playing music)~truthfully, I don't even like to go to the movies because sitting still for two hours is painful. Lurking in the back of my mind is always a long list of other things I'd like to be doing.

But this week, I must admit I'm "kinda bored." I could wash windows, or clean the basement, or catch up on some ironing...actually, never mind. I think I just thought of something....

Hormone Havoc

I've been completely distorted lately. I was trying to come up with a word to describe this sensation of feeling disproportionately out of sorts with myself, my life, and everyone I come into contact with, and "distorted" seems to fit perfectly. Yesterday, as I sat holed up in my writing room, I tried to reflect on the reason I was behaving like a petulant teenager, throwing mini-tantrums and storming around "loaded for bear" as the saying goes. Truthfully, these feelings are not unfamiliar. They used to happen on a regular basis - about once a month, to be exact. Any of you who happen to be female know exactly what I'm referring to. However, since I haven't been bothered with that monthly occurrence in well over a year, I thought I was done with all that.

But this week, it came roaring back with a vengeance, the attack of the raging hormones. It's really as if an alien has invaded my psyche and injected me with lethal doses of impatience, dissatisfaction, restlessness, anxiety - all those awful feelings that women dump into the category of PMS, premenstrual syndrome - or, in my case, post menopausal syndrome.

Now, I've since realized why this has happened, and taken steps to remedy the situation (I'll tell you about that later.) The interesting thing - the rather frightening thing - is the way I have felt completely out of control, completely not myself. I literally want to do violence to people and things. I hate everyone I know (and love!) and have this almost overwhelming urge to get in my car and drive it off a cliff - seriously.

This has got me thinking about the ways women really are different from men. And these thoughts are completely antithetical to the feminist way of thinking I've been raised with. But it occurred to me that if I were the President of the United States right now, I might be sorely tempted to push that famous button and annihilate anyone and everyone who was getting in my way.

Of course, being the good girl that I am, I always stop myself from committing any act of violence worse than tossing dishes (plastic!) against the wall. Even in this state of hormonal havoc, I retain my sense of control, because I generally have great control over my emotions. (Whether that's good or bad, only my therapist knows for sure.) But some women are completely ravaged by their hormones - we've all read the horror stories of seemingly "normal" women who murder their children while suffering from post partum depression.

Luckily, when I woke up this morning, I could feel my sense of emotional equilibrium returning to normal. I did some yoga, rode my bike, went to church, and haven't felt like killing anyone (yet). But this episode reminded me once again that our bodies can play vicious tricks on us, and it's well to be wary of them.

By the way, here's the reason this happened - at least, this is my best guess. A couple of weeks ago, I started taking Black Cohosh as treatment for hot flashes, which were really driving me crazy this summer. As I looked at the bottle, I realized I was taking these 540 mg capsules twice daily, when the recommended dosage was once daily. So, I think I may have experienced an "herbal overdose." I cut back immediately, and started to feel better. Another lesson learned - even "natural remedies" can be dangerous if not taken properly.

Decisions, Decisions

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark." ~Agnes de Mille

In case any of you are wondering whether I've made the momentous decision, the one I regularly dither about here at the Byline and in morning pages, the one I keep waffling back and forth about, knowing full well the desire of my heart, but troubled nonetheless by the demands of my schedule...just in case you're wondering...yeah, I guess I've pretty much decided. How's that for a definitive answer?

How do you make decisions? I'm horrible at it, really. Please tell me you have some fail safe process I can follow, or a formula that will give me the best possible answer to everything from which library book to read next to where to build my retirement home. I try to be logical about decisions, looking at the pro's and con's of all the variables, tallying up the strengths and weaknesses I've listed in neat little columns. But in the end, I often just follow my gut instinct, or my heart, or the path of least resistance!

It comes down to the fact that I don't trust myself. Most of the time, I know what I really want, but I'm always second guessing myself in favor of the "greater good" or some other amorphous "what if." Perhaps I simply think too much, worrying my thoughts as if they were beads on an Indian necklace, rubbing them nervously between the fingers of my mind.

I began the summer fretting over making a decision, but somewhere along the way I stopped fretting about it and let the question lay dormant in my heart for a while. It burrowed down in my mind, where it's been quietly simmering on its own as I've gone about my quiet, peaceful days. Along about 4:00 in the afternoon, that period when I start to get restless and dissatisfied with what I've tried to accomplish for the day, I feel it stirring, poking me gently, reminding me "I'm still here...you haven't forgotten about me, have you?"

Truthfully, I think this particular decision was decided for me long ago. The moment I walked into my living room 45 years ago and saw a brand new piano waiting for me. From that moment, playing music became such an important part of my life that relinquishing any opportunity to do that is unthinkable. Might as well ask me to voluntarily stop breathing.

So, come September, I'll be going back to my job at the high school, at least for the time being.

If I come to some other decision, I'll let you know.

And the Rain Came Down

It's been so long since we had a rainy day here, but finally the sky relinquished some of that miracle water it's been holding on to for the past six weeks. It's a niggling amount, really, skinny little streams tracing down in thin lines from those bloated grey clouds, but even this skimpy portion has lent a greenish glow to the parched grass on my front lawn, grass that looked and felt like straw last night as we scuffed across it on our evening walk. There's something calming about a drizzly day like this, especially after many days of endless sunshine. Don't get me wrong, I love sunshine. Sunny days urge you outdoors into movment and activity, but a cool rainy day invites you to slow down, settle in where its warm and dry. There is definitely something to be said for being tucked up cozy inside with tea and a book at the ready, while the outside world performs its ablutions in peace.

I came home early from work today ~the house is eerily empty and quiet with my kids gone back to their own home in the land of eternal sunshine. Molly is curled up on the bed here in the guest room, her head tucked into Nantana's pillow. Molly seems to feel that she and Nantana are "soul sisters," and she cleves to the girl with an obsessive devotion. So she's sad, and pouting a little bit I think, hoping I'll take pity and give her an extra cookie.

My plan was to do some errands on the way home, clean up the house, do some laundry, make something for dinner...yet here I am, curled up in the armchair with dogs at my side, writing, reading, listening to the rain coming down, sort of reveling in this peacefulness. I think I'll give myself this gift of refreshment today, a day to enjoy some simple pleasures. Let the rain come down.

Sunday Love

Sunday's are an appropriate time to be grateful, I think, so here's a few of the things I've been loving lately...

~My new car, which is so much fun to drive that my ususal daily errands are ever so much more exciting!

~McDonald's new Iced Mocha coffee - even with low fat milk and no whipped cream, it's a perfect midafternoon pick me up. Best of all, I can pick it up at the drive through, and don't even need to get out of the aforementioned car!

~Spending more time with Magic and Molly ~ as you can see from this picture, they're just bundles of energy in the summertime!

~Having some extra time to spend reading...(just finished The Post Birthday World, by Lionel Shriver)...and seeing movies (just got home from seeing Evening, a real chick flick, and a tear jerker)

~Looking forward to Brian and Nantana's arrival on Wednesday night for their annual summer visit "up north" :)

Hope you're all finding lots of things to love about summer this year!